Two days ago, on a rainy Monday, I was soaked to and beyond my bone. I
had to wade through a flood, something I avoid because of an incident
in my childhood. That day, it could not be helped. I enjoy walking in
the rain and I initially thought that was all I had to do to get home,
but what greeted me at the next bend was a wet blanket of swirling
water. I had to suck it up and wade in, trying my hardest to direct my
attention elsewhere, however I failed. My shoes and my pants were
submerged and I was getting more miserable by the minute.
By the time I got home, I no longer thought myself cool for walking in
the rain. An unkempt and pitiable face greeted me in the mirror. My
clothes were soiled and my shoes were a mess. As I took a bath, I
realized the truth beyond the idioms. No other rain I was ever in
could compare to that Monday rain. The entire walk home, I was caught
up in my present tragedies and every little reminder that littered my
room wounded like no other. I could not even bring myself to
romanticize my experience. Six months after my big mistake, I am still
reeling from the repercussions of choices made in poor taste.
I was in a black sulk yesterday and never left the house. When I woke
up this morning, I told myself I wouldn't report to the office, yet
here I am writing this. These days I hate my clothes, my miserable
pair of shoes, my being out of school, my den, all the distractions
that keep me from creative pursuits and it all shows in the dark
circles under my eyes, and my binge eating, which I also hate. There
is just too much negativity assaulting me from all fronts that I can
barely keep myself from ripping at the seams. I keep feeling that my
time is being stolen from me and I keep scrambling to do everything I
can while I can to not lose my edge.
On my way to the office today, a recollection randomly jumped at me
and I found myself smiling, laughing to myself without a care in the
world. That I could still do these two little things remind me that I
am not so broken as I think I am. That I am strong. That I am saved.
Or maybe I'm losing my sanity.