Ignorance is bliss.
Time and again I find this to be true. The truth can be a burden too great to carry. There are times when I find myself asking the space before me which things sprung from my own realizations alone. As they put it in Inception, ideas can be traced from their sources. I have this habit of feeling guilty whenever I do something that did not come wholly from me. I prefer to realize things on my own, otherwise, I'd feel like I'm cheating; that I have forfeited what merits may be reaped from something that did not come from me. This is one of the reasons why I find creative brainstorming both alone and with a group quite beautiful. It's one of the most fulfilling things for me.
This applies to almost everything in my life. Whenever I come across something phrased in a way that appeals to me and I end up writing similar later on, I feel guilty. Somehow, the need to be original has been imbibed into my being. This is one reason why I prefer drawing from imagination instead of using a reference that is very specific, see for example a character from a popular show. This is also one reason why I feel insecure, that despite having a pool of ideas to draw from, my execution leaves much to be desired. Recently, I have been working towards overcoming this, and as such, I've been using references for some of my attempts at art. While I still cannot execute my ideas perfectly, there has been an improve that I can discern, and I can only hope that those who have seen what I do for quite a while can see it, too.
Sadly, the inner workings of the mind are much more complex. I cannot hope to immediately cater to my dilemmas by reconciling myself with a certain practice. The mind itself would have to undergo a paradigm shift of sorts - it must come to reconcile with new ideas and concepts previously hard to fathom, and whose existence itself is most likely previously unknown. But the mind is logical, and logic demands knowledge of variables and impetuses for its own understanding of the lines of probability. Paradoxes and enigmas then ensnare the mind effortlessly, if only for the incoherence inherent in them that is beyond the realm of what logic understands. How many times in our lives have we found ourselves unable to answer the question why when confronted about our actions. On times when we find ourselves on the opposite pole of the question, being the inquirer this time, we find ourselves unable to accept just because as an answer. Our minds logic dictates that there has to be a reason, and that reason has to be defined within the realms of the known.
I dunno. I guess what I'm trying to say is that Illumination has its price. At times it's sanity, and at times, it's our peace. Either way, it's definitely no trivial matter. Maybe truth itself is a living horror, one whose constant refrain is heard in the movies:
You can run, but you can't hide.
Maybe it's the proverbial skeleton in the closet of our lives.