Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Table

Well? 

Yes, those eyes were wells to your soul.

Is it a yes or is it a no?

It would take more than those to answer your question.

Hmm. You see...

You looked at me expectantly, the same look I must have given you in the past. Is that hope I see? But I have gotten used to that, my interest is directed at what's behind them. Is this another one of your masks?

You reached out a hand, which I thought was for another bottle. You clasped my hand instead. Faint shivers ran across my frame, but I did not lose my composure. Not anymore. You smiled. How many others have seen that smile? I smiled back, and for a moment, yours faltered. Tonight is the night of the fox.

An applause brought us back to the present. The singer stood up and took a break. The humdrum rose to what little heights it can to fill the silence. You tugged my gaze off the surround as your left hand joined your right to envelop mine in an embrace. Your eyes locked with mine. What is the reason behind this determination? I smiled again, and your eyes pooled with confusion.

I broke my hand free and called over a waiter. I indicated the lone instruments on the stage and asked, May I? We both watched him talk to the who we guessed was the manager, and then the singer, before finally looking back at us to give is a thumbs up. I looked back at you and raised an eyebrow in inquiry. You sighed, then shrugged.

Go.

Thanks.

I made my way to the stage, took to my hands the guitar resting there, switched the microphone on and after a deep breath, strummed B-minor to life. Heads turned, curious, and espied my awkward self sitting there. I took another deep breath and looked at you, before all the world blurred into color and light.


No I can't take one more step towards you
Cause all that's waiting is regret

And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore
You lost the love
I loved the most


It was never easy, losing us. It pains me all the more when I think no closure ever happened. Time served that purpose, if anything. I learned to live with it over time, and time allowed me to step forward - moving on is something I've yet to use, because in my heart of hearts, I know that I haven't wholly moved on. I was never like you then - strong-willed and confident. You got whatever you set your mind on, you did whatever you wanted - much like how you spirited yourself away.


I learned to live, half-alive
And now you want me one more time



We were strolling through a park, and soon found ourselves loitering by a bench. I began tossing popped-corn before me, and watched as the pigeons flocked to the sudden abundance of food. I mused how they seemed like love-famished seekers - ravenous and without much care with what goes on around them. You sat beside and joined me and my silent thoughts, we shared a smile then, and looked on, content with the serenity we were in. I was a fool to have gotten used to you being there. I went blind when you left. In giving a lot of myself to you, I became an empty shell when you disappeared.

And who do you think you are
Runnin' round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are


A way is found when there exists a will strong enough to find ways where it can - or forge one where there is none. This is a law so strongly echoed within the rhythm of nature. The species that manages to grow beyond what already is, lives; that which cannot, perishes. Competitors fail when it cannot improvise in answer to the demand of the populace, while those that can reign supreme. As much as these things are true, I truly cannot see a reason for you to have broken, no, leeched the life off of the hearts of those who fell to your false professions, myself among them. My conscience is confused as to whether I am at fault, too, or not. Should I have given due warning to them all? Would I have not appeared bitter? Did I even know where you were and what you did until my recent awakening from the sleepless and dreamless slumber of my existence? We grow best when we experience hardships ourselves. I am sorry for the pain those countless others went through.

I hear you're asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms


Hey, can we talk?

Who is this?

It's me.

I knew even before I asked. We are bound to those we meet in our lifetime by strings we cannot see. They persist even after we declare our acquaintances sundered from us, because we shared portions of ourselves with these people. We grew from our shared experiences, no matter how trivial. Your strings had a ring to them my unconscious self learned to sing in our time together. It heard the strains of your melody when you re-established contact: dark, mysterious, and compelling.

I learned to live, half-alive
And now you want me one more time


The time is long gone when your song could draw me in, like siren voices draw sailor and ship alike to their deaths. My heart would not live through the pain of death again. Not for you.


Who do you think you are
Runnin round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are



Hey. Your eyes had a warmth and a measure of uncertainty to them.

Hey. Did you perceive my hesitance? It wasn't for you.


It took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
Cause you broke all your promises



We met outside this place - the place we frequented then, not unlike how vultures ghost grim places of death for carrion. We thrived off the songs, the humdrum, the smoke, the tango of sobriety and intoxication - the joint symphony of an almost bohemian setting nourished the woeful salience of our disparate souls. A lifeblood with which our twisted gamut, and ourselves, lived.


And now you're back
You don't get to get me back


I admit I was curious - how you are and what you're doing. Whose life were you messing with. Whose heart were you toying with. I was curious, and so gave you time. That much I was willing to give. I will be kinder, because two lefts does not make a right. You are human, and deserve to be treated as such, whatever your other faults may be.


Who do you think you are
Runnin' round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Don't come back at all



Tonight is the night of the fox.


Well? 

Yes, those eyes were wells to your soul.

Is it a yes or is it a no?

It would take more than those to answer your question.

Hmm. You see...

I cannot. 


And who do you think you are?
Runnin round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don't come back for me
Don't come back at all


I can never allow to willingly put myself through all that pain again. 


Who do you think you are?



Not anymore.

Who do you think you are?

I'm sorry.

Who do you think you are?


I opened my eyes as the last D faded to silence, which swelled into louder applause. Apparently my heart sang itself out, but with enough control to not allow tears to well up. I looked for your face in the crowd, and saw it laced with saline rivers. 

You knew.


I stood up and headed towards you. I took your hands, which were cold, and tried to share what warmth I can to you, and looked you in the eye.

I said what I can with as much honesty and without enmity, and hoped that you would understand - you are not so inhuman that it would seem alien, are you?

I'm sorry. I can't.

I stood up. You remained seated, frozen, while I gave you a final embrace. I heard the sobbing beginnings of a deluge when I kissed your head and wished you well.

I hope for the best.

I walked away, and those measured steps eventually allowed me to leave. 
I am not unfeeling. I know your pain, but I'm sorry. I truly am.







3 comments:

  1. for some reason, the setting somehow made me think of turtle's nest in lahug.

    ReplyDelete
  2. i have never been to turtle's nest, although i've heard of it. #envy :p

    ReplyDelete