Saturday, February 12, 2011

Art and Epiphany

 
Burn the sky by ~bast-86 on deviantART


Life is a behemoth, but oft is it in the little things that we find meaning: the shared smile between you and the person behind the counter you bought your food from; the 'thank you's' exchanged unexpectedly; the well wish of the elder you helped cross the road; the company of reunited friends; the good-feeling of teamwork between unlikely parties; a confession of love; a profession of faith; the unexpected hug from a father you rarely see; the surprise encouragement from the mother who almost always saw your worst first, for your own sake; the despair of the knowledge of your father's infidelity; the words of comfort from the unexpected friend; being on the receiving end of empathy - something you've forgotten after only giving it for quite some time; the oblivion of getting drunk; the catharsis from release; the ruefulness birthed by the hang-over; all. the. unexpected. things. It is in these stolen moments where we find that our quest still has hope, that the quest becomes seemingly less cruel. That kinder realities seem within reach.
  February 3, 2011

I was struggling to finish the sequel to The Grey Road earlier, but I failed, miserably. Maybe it's not yet time for the sequel to find itself woven in words. There were just a lot of things happening at once: music, random musings, conversations, noise. It was truly a sensory overload, not because I lost consciousness in the process, but because I kept getting tiny ideas that while not necessarily anathemas of each other, were all divergent and proved themselves quite a challenge against my abilities to put together something coherent. I didn't lose, actually. In fact, I managed to lengthen the narrative by a few paragraphs. I just wasn't able to pull it off in the end. I blame one particular idea that slowly gnawed at me until it bloated itself up into a gargantuan mass of an epiphany: all the things I did for Art's sake were actually my attempts to capture the moments like ones I wrote of in 11. Through my own ways, I want to freeze these things in stasis - this was my way of immersing myself in these moments, and affirm and actualize and spur to loftier heights my own life and all my creative impetus and inspiration. I do think it is a bit perverse, given that I have this thing for doing the same towards some of my lowest lows: until recently, I kept several verbose letters brimming with self-depreciation. They are gone now, a choice I had to make. 

Why though, do I do these things? The answer is simple: I keep them as reminders of my ability to feel such immense emotions. They are mementos. I cherish a lot of memories: the good, the bad, the ugly, the elating. I see Art as a means to capture the beauty of the things around me, a means to make tangible memories of beauty, of life, of the world, if you may. 


Which reminds me, for quite a few years now, I've realized my greatest fear: forgetting and losing my identity and the memories I hold of the people and the things around me. I fear forgetting everything. I fear the most to become a helpless blank slate without a means to fill the void.



7 comments:

  1. Walang kwentang comment: You really deserve that first badge Kamila gave you. Lol. I had to reread the whole thing.

    You write clearly. And you effortlessly translate your thoughts into words. Your talent is too big for your fear to be remotely possible.

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  2. musingan: thank you :)

    Nishiboy: I'm sorry if my sentences tend to get long-winded. -_- hehe

    And as for my fear... I dunno. I just don't want to forget everything. The horror.

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  3. And your words nourished me. Happy Weekend Mister Spire-Prince

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  4. I am enthusiastic to find a writer in this space with immense craft for words. Many thanks to the Nishiboy I found your space. :)

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  5. Hi there Spiral... I know that we wanted to always keep our memories alive. It is not till this 2010 that I realize how memories are important to me... I figure out that I could definitely lose everything in my mind in a spark. That's why I promise to write everything and anything significant within my days and read it back and effort when I still have the ability to do so.

    Though I couldn't write like how you do.. as I told you before.. mababaw lang me eh! Hahaha.. that's why I don't process too much vocabularies in my brain... just enough for people to understand me.. at hanggang ngayon di pa rin ako maintindihan ng mga kano. Lol...

    That's a nice one Spiral! Hmmmmm

    Hope you can finish Grey Road asap! :)

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  6. Mu[g]en: Glad to know I made sense. And thank you, have a happy weekend(and a Valentines day tomorrow), too!

    p.s.
    I'll try as much as I can to adhere to the moral of your entry: patience!

    Louie: Welcome to my space, err, my blog.

    Kamila: That's a good decision. It's always amazing to look back on the things we've been through - some of which we've already forgotten ourselves. Hehe, work on it, someday maaintindiha ka rin ng mga kano! :D

    As for Grey Road, I dunno, all in due time, I guess. :)

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