Saturday, February 12, 2011

Art and Epiphany

Burn the sky by ~bast-86 on deviantART

Life is a behemoth, but oft is it in the little things that we find meaning: the shared smile between you and the person behind the counter you bought your food from; the 'thank you's' exchanged unexpectedly; the well wish of the elder you helped cross the road; the company of reunited friends; the good-feeling of teamwork between unlikely parties; a confession of love; a profession of faith; the unexpected hug from a father you rarely see; the surprise encouragement from the mother who almost always saw your worst first, for your own sake; the despair of the knowledge of your father's infidelity; the words of comfort from the unexpected friend; being on the receiving end of empathy - something you've forgotten after only giving it for quite some time; the oblivion of getting drunk; the catharsis from release; the ruefulness birthed by the hang-over; all. the. unexpected. things. It is in these stolen moments where we find that our quest still has hope, that the quest becomes seemingly less cruel. That kinder realities seem within reach.
  February 3, 2011

I was struggling to finish the sequel to The Grey Road earlier, but I failed, miserably. Maybe it's not yet time for the sequel to find itself woven in words. There were just a lot of things happening at once: music, random musings, conversations, noise. It was truly a sensory overload, not because I lost consciousness in the process, but because I kept getting tiny ideas that while not necessarily anathemas of each other, were all divergent and proved themselves quite a challenge against my abilities to put together something coherent. I didn't lose, actually. In fact, I managed to lengthen the narrative by a few paragraphs. I just wasn't able to pull it off in the end. I blame one particular idea that slowly gnawed at me until it bloated itself up into a gargantuan mass of an epiphany: all the things I did for Art's sake were actually my attempts to capture the moments like ones I wrote of in 11. Through my own ways, I want to freeze these things in stasis - this was my way of immersing myself in these moments, and affirm and actualize and spur to loftier heights my own life and all my creative impetus and inspiration. I do think it is a bit perverse, given that I have this thing for doing the same towards some of my lowest lows: until recently, I kept several verbose letters brimming with self-depreciation. They are gone now, a choice I had to make. 

Why though, do I do these things? The answer is simple: I keep them as reminders of my ability to feel such immense emotions. They are mementos. I cherish a lot of memories: the good, the bad, the ugly, the elating. I see Art as a means to capture the beauty of the things around me, a means to make tangible memories of beauty, of life, of the world, if you may. 

Which reminds me, for quite a few years now, I've realized my greatest fear: forgetting and losing my identity and the memories I hold of the people and the things around me. I fear forgetting everything. I fear the most to become a helpless blank slate without a means to fill the void.


  1. Walang kwentang comment: You really deserve that first badge Kamila gave you. Lol. I had to reread the whole thing.

    You write clearly. And you effortlessly translate your thoughts into words. Your talent is too big for your fear to be remotely possible.

  2. musingan: thank you :)

    Nishiboy: I'm sorry if my sentences tend to get long-winded. -_- hehe

    And as for my fear... I dunno. I just don't want to forget everything. The horror.

  3. And your words nourished me. Happy Weekend Mister Spire-Prince

  4. I am enthusiastic to find a writer in this space with immense craft for words. Many thanks to the Nishiboy I found your space. :)

  5. Hi there Spiral... I know that we wanted to always keep our memories alive. It is not till this 2010 that I realize how memories are important to me... I figure out that I could definitely lose everything in my mind in a spark. That's why I promise to write everything and anything significant within my days and read it back and effort when I still have the ability to do so.

    Though I couldn't write like how you do.. as I told you before.. mababaw lang me eh! Hahaha.. that's why I don't process too much vocabularies in my brain... just enough for people to understand me.. at hanggang ngayon di pa rin ako maintindihan ng mga kano. Lol...

    That's a nice one Spiral! Hmmmmm

    Hope you can finish Grey Road asap! :)

  6. Mu[g]en: Glad to know I made sense. And thank you, have a happy weekend(and a Valentines day tomorrow), too!

    I'll try as much as I can to adhere to the moral of your entry: patience!

    Louie: Welcome to my space, err, my blog.

    Kamila: That's a good decision. It's always amazing to look back on the things we've been through - some of which we've already forgotten ourselves. Hehe, work on it, someday maaintindiha ka rin ng mga kano! :D

    As for Grey Road, I dunno, all in due time, I guess. :)