Monday, January 31, 2011

Lost

Right now I feel so lost, so uninspired, so fucked up that I don't know what to do.
I think I'm losing it. I'm beginning to crumble under the pressure of every little thing.
I feel so worried. I feel so insecure. 
And I don't even know why because everything's a tangled incoherence.
I need an outlet. I need to reassess. I need to assert.
I want to just let everything go.
To start anew, but I've become too afraid for that.
I've become to afraid to risk things. I've become afraid of the leap.
I've become too unsure. 
After all this time I've failed to let go of my past dilemma:

art or science?
advertising arts or applied physics? 

Even when the chance to choose has presented itself before me, I shy away.
I am too hesitant it's damn annoying.
I'm torn because I don't know what outcome my choice will birth.
I'm torn because I'm afraid of the paradigm shift.
I'm annoyed because I keep factoring in the reaction of those around me 
when I make my choice.
I'm annoyed because people don't have faith in my persistence.
They think this is a passing whim.
It's not. It's something I finally found for myself.
I'm not bad at what I do, but it's not exactly my calling either.
I read yesterday that people can be just that:

people can be good at things, but the said things are not necessarily their calling

I'm fucking scared because I don't want to grow up 
resenting this moment in my life because I was too hesitant.
I don't want to look back at this time in the future and resent not following a dream.
I don't want to be a failed dreamer.
Then again, what is it to truly fulfill a dream?
I badly need someone with a strong sense of direction to put some sense into me.

I don't want to be a failure.

I want to muster the courage to take the leap.

At the end of every day for the past few days, I still wonder:
When did I become so worried about the future?

4 comments:

  1. it is normal to be anxious. after all, it is your future. just don't forget to pause and breathe every once in a while. everything will come to you in time :)

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  2. it's good...until it eats you up. alive. I hope I get things back in order soon. :(

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  3. like they always say, we fear the unknown.
    .
    .
    and i understand. that no matter how people tell you not to worry 'bout the present, or even you yourself, anxiety just keeps creeping up.
    .
    .
    i guess that's human nature. we just all have to find our way within it.

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  4. yeah.I just hope that I won't get too lost while I try to get everything in order. And welcome to my blog, Desole Boy!

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