Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Catharsis: I


I escaped a nightmare at four in the morning. 

The third one last night. 

The fifth within the last two days.

I have not had them for years, and even then I rarely had them. Their return is quite unnerving. Long have my dreams foretold of things to come, albeit subtly. Do they forbode of things to come now?

I pondered this while under the hypnotic patterns of the deck above.

Lightning flashed and the first peal of thunder surprised me. It snapped me out of my deadpan stare.

I was quite shaken and so shifted my position.

So I could move.

I became conscious of the drum beats of my heart pounding in my ears and so instinctively took calming breaths. 

So I could breathe.

I shifted again and curled up in a fetal position while still enchanted by the riddle of the dream. The details were repetitive patterns that played before my mind's eye. Were they taunting me? I am not sure. The symphony of the rain rose and fell, interweaving  itself into the endless refrain of questions that plagued me. It was a melodious attrition, and the haunting chords soon lulled me to sleep.



***


My awakening was as abrupt in the light of the morning as it was in the dark dawn just hours earlier. My last attempt at sleep was dreamless, but I may have as well stayed awake in that ponderous vigil. I was worn on the inside. My previous failures, too, took their toll. Tiredness lined my face and shaded my eyes. I was just as worn on the outside.

The morning was wan and the feeble light that filtered through my window birthed feebler shadows that died at their progenitor's slightest disturbance. With great effort, I managed to cast my sloth aside, stand up, and beheld the grey room before me.
Not a thing has changed.

What came next was a series of rituals necessary to keep one's self groomed and presentable to the discriminating taste of society. They all went smoothly, the result of daily rehearsals repeated over the spell of eighteen long years, a span which soon will encounter another milestone.

Whilst the last of these rites were performed, the persistent drizzle present from my waking time frenzied and turned into a nearly torrential shower. I, however, ignored this, having discovered the disappearance of my identification card.

A minute long search lengthened to five, and soon caused the upheaval of evidences of my indolence. The quest was futile and yielded nothing but a greater disarray. One look at my timepiece and I knew I had to go if I were to pursue the plan.

I braved the downpour and headed off towards the Institution. The churning clouds caught my attention, their angry swirls dampening my spirit. I shrugged in defiance of the sky and went on.
Que sera sera.

There was a store along the way which I stopped at with the intent of re-supplying my things. I wanted to make a good impression. Late, but still a good impression. Perhaps it would increase the plan's success. Today was a day for the plan.


I was rehearsing lines and visualizing possible scenarios in my head as I made ready for payment, when to my wandering hands and spying eyes should appear the very identification card that thought it prudent to lose itself just earlier. I marveled at the paradox, and thought it a good sign. Did I manage a smile? I did.


Maybe there are times when we need to look just one more time. Just do one more attempt despite all the previous mishaps. Maybe.

No longer shall I have to face the heartless guards at the gate.

I continued the walk towards the Institute with a new spring to my steps.


***

11 comments:

  1. I know, right? haha. This post wouldn't have been as emo as it turned out to be if I finished this! Sadly, I was too tired to continue. Expect the continuation tomorrow! haha

    ReplyDelete
  2. meditate before you sleep. it helps you clear ur mind. it enhances your gift of premonition too. :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Now searching on Youtube: Que Sera Sera by Doris Day

    ReplyDelete
  4. Ironically, despite having advocated Que Sera Sera here, I have not heard that song in full. haha

    ReplyDelete
  5. sell out and you won't have time to sleep. lol

    ReplyDelete
  6. haha i was looking at my comment trying to make sense of it. i think i lost me too. lol

    sorry about that. i think what i was trying to say is if you accept reality and sell out (not that i'm saying you will), you'll yearn for moments like this blog post. idk may sense ba?

    ReplyDelete
  7. I do think I get you now. hahaha. But don't you think selling out would only giv me more emo things to think of, given my obsessive need to think of things. hahaha

    ReplyDelete
  8. when you sell out, there will be no time to think of those things. unless of course you're the type who can't sleep easily. in that case, a healthy addiction to online porn will do the trick. lol

    ReplyDelete