Sunday, October 31, 2010
Saturday, October 30, 2010
I have a few hundred more to write,
but at least let me get one set done.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Kayla, ANTM Cycle 15
By writing this entry, I have stepped further down the road I've long since intended to take, it will be fraught with difficulty - trials and risk of rejection abound, but I'm ready, I guess. I'm just waiting for Old Man Time.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
9 months of experience have proven to me that blogging can be quite fun and meditative. I know that there's more to it that I haven't encountered yet, but I'm taking one nano step at a time. There's no rush because there's no race. I've come to know quite a handful of bloggers and blogs, too, though I believe very few of them know me as I'm oft content as I silent follower. I will never stop learning from them, both in writing and in living and perhaps, dying, and getting reincarnated as a better person constantly. I can only hope that one day, I'd muster enough courage to write with fewer layers and fail safes, and perhaps make my presence known in the blogs I secretly haunt.
And you've just been treated to a shameless plug.
Goodness, I don't think announcing this plan is appropriate, but what the heck.
Que sera, sera.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Things will really change from this point forward.
I arranged the few things I managed to bring with me on such a short notice - a traveling bag with clothes barely enough for two weeks and my laptop inside its bag. Looking back, I'm amazed at how I mustered enough courage to borrow money from a close friend - enough to sustain me for a week. A lot of things wheeled through my mind then. I should definitely get a job. No, tutoring wouldn't be enough. I guess it's inevitable that I'll be a call center agent, despite having no idea what I'll do as one. Ah, well, I guess anything goes. Hopefully, my English and my TOR, which I still have to get, will suffice. I guess I'll do my best during the interview, get accepted as a trainee, and then face and master whatever I have to do as one.
College will definitely have to wait. I don't think I can support myself. Not now. Not yet. I'll also have to find another place to stay as soon as I can. I risk getting tracked down by my parents and relatives in my current boarding house.
The phone rang, but I didn't answer it. The wound's still fresh. I've been hurt and have hurt others dear to me. I need time alone. Maybe we'll get reconciled one day. Who knows? I don't. I guess. I hope.
I closed my eyes.
When I opened them, I saw the dishes on the sink before me. I sighed.
Another creative session interrupted.
Friday, October 22, 2010
A rather pleasant surprise welcomed me as I checked my Facebook account - a friend told me that I was a runner-up for Lusternia's September Bardic Contest. Here is my entry last month. My other artistic and bardic entries can be seen here, too.
I'm really very thankful for these things. I hope it gains momentum, too.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Monday, October 18, 2010
Thursday, October 14, 2010
I'm not proud of how I've been slacking. I've paid, and I think I'll still continue to pay for it during the coming weeks. I still have to face my parents for it, which I'm still preparing for. I've also laid out a plan which I'll share here soon should my parents approve of it. It's really rather bold, given my current status, and the nature of the goal I'm aiming for, but at least I'm sure of how much effort I'll pour in should it get my parent's approval. At least this time around, I'll be sure. At least I'll have a goal. I guess that now that I've had my taste of failure as a student, I'll be empowered to do better.
I wonder if phoenixes feel the pain of the pyre.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
It's not so bad to look for an oasis, is it? I only wish to find people with the same interests as I do.
Daydreaming with glazed eyes and drool dripping from the corners of my cavernous mouth.
Seriously, though, I just heard of a cafe in Luzon where artists gather to do their craft while having coffee.
I've always looked for a place and a group of people like that. I've never had 'sessions' like that, unless you count my summer art class during 3rd grade.
Sadly, most of my friends aren't inclined to the things I am inclined to.
I don't really resent them.
Or my lack of friends I wished I had.
But in the end, we're all looking for people like us.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
I guess it's high time for me to climb the mountain I've long since set my eyes on, despite the ongoing storm.
I seek better days.
Friday, October 8, 2010
I found this on Facebook, and I decided to share it here. I really need it at this point in time where I'm deciding whether to shift or not. I'd really appreciate advice from those of you who at one point in college became anxious and unsure whether there's something waiting for them after school - whether they'd be able to live fulfilling lives or not. This is basically the reason why I'm slacking. It's not that I can't understand things, I just find no reason to understand them. I've lost the spark I had for college, or at least for the course.
Ang ganda nito. =)
This speech was delivered by a La Sallian engineer in one of the graduation ceremonies at the UP College of Engineering.
Ngayong araw na ito, sa ating pagtatapos, mayroon akong dalang Transcript of Record. Ang estudyanteng may-ari ng transcript na ito ay nag-aral sa De La Salle University. Sa unibersidad na ito, kapag ikaw ay isang undergraduate, may ID number ka na nagsisimula sa “94” at pataas, kung lumipas ang isang buong school year at umabot ka sa 15 units na bagsak, masisipa ka sa paaralan.
Ang transcript na hawak ko ay mayroong 27 units ng bagsak. 12 sa mga ito ay tinamo ng estudyante sa iisang schoolyear lang. Ang isang subject ay kadalasang may bigat na 3 units. Kung iisiping mabuti, isang subject na bagsak na lang ay pwede na masipa ang estudyanteng may-ari ng transcript na ito.
Ang speech na ito ay hindi ko ginawa para i-acknowledge ang paghihirap ng ating mga magulang sa pagpapaaral satin. Hindi ko din ito ginawa para maghayag ng political statement, o kumbinsihin kayo na huwag umalis sa bansa at tulungan itong makaahon.Ang speech na ito ay para sa mga normal na estudyante na kagaya ng may may-ari ng transcript na hawak ko, dahil madalas, wala talagang pakialam ang unibersidad sa mga achievements nila. May mga awards na gaya ng “Summa Cum Laude”, “Best Thesis Award” at “Leadership Award.” Pero ni minsan, hindi pa ako nakakakita ng unibersidad na nagbigay ng “Hang-on and managed to graduate despite nearly getting kicked-out during his academic stay” award.
Maaaring isang malaking kagaguhan ang konseptong ito para sa karamihan. Bakit mo pararangalan ang isang estudyanteng bulakbol, bobo, tamad o iresponsable? Hindi ba dapat isuka ito ng unibersidad? Ito yung mga tipo ng estudyanteng walang ia-asenso sa buhay, hindi ba?
Ayun. Natumbok niyo.Iyun na nga ang dahilan.
Madalas, pag ang isang estudyante ay may pangit na marka sa paaralan, lalong lalo na sa kolehiyo, nakakapanghina ito ng loob. Nandiyan yung tatamarin ka mag-aral, nandyan yung iisipin mo “Ano pa kayang trabaho ang makukuha ko? Call center na naman o clerical? Ba’t kasi ang bobo ko. Kung matalino lang ako, sana, sa Proctor and Gamble ako, o kung saang sikat na kumpanya.”
Mas mahirap ang dinadaanan ng mga estudyanteng bumabagsak. Kahit na sabihin mong kasalanan nilang bumabagsak sila, hindi ninyo alam kung ano ang pakiramdam ng ganun. Madaling sabihin na “Kaya mo yan, mag-aral ka lang,” pero alam ba natin talaga ang sinasabi natin?
Kapag ang isang estudyante ay bumabagsak sa unibersidad, nandiyan yung tatawanan niya lang yan. O di kaya naman, ipagmamalaki niya pang “TAKE 5 NA KO!!!” o “Pare, magpi-PhD na ako sa Anmath3/Calculus/etc.” Pero hindi alam ng mga isang Summa Cum Laude kung ano ang nasa isip ng isang normal na estudyante sa tuwing matutulog ito at alam niyang pag-gising niya, kailangan niya na namang ulitin ang isang subject na nakuha niya na sa susunod na term.
Kahit kalian, hindi naging problema sa “Star Student” na sabihing “Nay, bagsak ako.” at hindi kailanman sumagi sa isip nila na “Paano kaya kung sa walang-pangalang kumpanya lang ako makapagtrabaho?” Dahil sigurado sila sa kinabukasan nila.
Huwag na tayong maglokohan. Grades are everything. Kahit bali-baligtarin mo iyan, hindi magiging patas ang mga kumpanyang kumukuha ng fresh graduates para magtrabaho sa kanila. Minsan din naman, nadadaan sa palakasan, pero ganun pa din. Kung hindi ka academically good, wala kang patutunguhan. Kung hindi man yun, mas mahirap yung dadaanan mo para lang makaabot sa prestihiyosong posisyon.
Kaya ngayong graduation, ang speech na ito ay inaaalay ko para sa mga estudyanteng lumagpak, muntik-muntikan nang masipa o yung sa lahat ng paraang pwede, ginawa na para lang makatapos. Gagawin kong patas ang mundo para sa inyo kahit isang araw lang. Kahit ano pa ang sabihin ng ibang tao, kesyo kasalanan mo man na pangit ang marka mo o muntik ka nang makick-out, saludo ako sa hindi mo pagtigil sa pag-aaral. Saludo ako na may lakas ka ng loob na harapin pa rin ang mundo kahit alam mong hindi ito magiging patas sa iyo. Saludo ako na kahit pangit ang transcript mo, taas noo ka pa rin ngayong graduation at proud na proud sa sarili mo.
Ano ngayon ang mangyayari sa mga graduates pagkatapos nitong graduation? Ayoko nang puntahan yung pwedeng mangyayari sa mga Cum Laude. Baduy. Alam mo namang may patutunguhan ang buhay nila e. Pero dun sa mga lumagpak, ano ang meron?
Maaring makakuha kayo ng mediocre na trabaho lang. Pwede ka rin swertehin, baka makapagtrabaho ka sa magandang kumpanya. Madami pang pwedeng mangyari. Huwag kayong mawalan ng pag-asa. Kung nung college, nagtiyaga kayo e ba’t titigilan niyo yung pagti-tiyaga ngayon?
Pwede ring ganito: Mag-aral ka ulit. Ipakita mo sa kanila na kung sisipagin ka lang,malayo ang mararating mo. Subukan mong patunayan sa kanila na kapag pinilit mo, kaya mo ring abutin yung naabot nila. Na hindi ka bobo, kundi tinamad ka lang.
Baka sabihin ninyo, drowing lang ako.
I’ve been on both sides. Naranasan ko na ring lumagpak, at muntikan na din akong masipa. Naranasan ko na ang umulit ng 4 na beses sa iisang subject. Naranasan ko na ang masumbatan ng magulang, kapatid at kung sino-sino pang propesor na walang pakialam sa pakiramdam ng estuyante. Naranasan ko nang hindi makatulog ng maraming gabi sa pagiisip kung paano ko na naman sasabihin sa magulang ko na may bagsak na naman ako. Kaya alam ko ang pakiramdam ninyo.
Akin ang transcript na ito.
Pagkagraduate ko ng college, ano ang ginawa ko? Eto. Nagtrabaho muna ng konti, tapos aral ulit. Kuha ng Masteral sa kurso ko. Hindi para sa trabaho o kung ano man. Kundi para patunayan sa sarili ko na noong mga panahong bumabagsak ako, tinatamad lang ako.
This is a rebellion. I raise my middle finger to every professor, over-achiever, naysayer and detractor THAT TOLD ME THAT I CAN'T MAKE IT. I raise my middle finger to every valedictory or graduation speech that only gratifies the university, those who were achievers in school or those who gratify the country when it’s supposed to be the graduate’s moment of glory. You are supposed to acknowledge EVERYONE. Even those who failed many times.
Kaya sa inyong mga graduates na medyo hindi maganda ang marka, para sa inyo ito. Kung kinaya ko ito, kaya niyo rin to. Imposibleng hindi.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
One of these days I'll write something in the language up, and I hope to be proud of it.
I'm looking forward to my Filipino 2 class next semester!
The thing is, I can't exactly tell them why I'm single. Not now. Heck, is there any reason why I should not be? Then again, that question is partly something I use to sugarcoat some insecurities I have when I get wistful, but I digress. I do think it's obvious why I'm still single - that person hasn't arrived. Not yet. Especially now that I've had my tiny share of hurts. If someone comes along and dares to, then I guess I'll stop being single - I'll be someone else's half, sappiness aside.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
I won't go on and on talking about my recent acceptance and awakening regarding the forces of the world, and of course, I won't take a jab at CBCP's blatant disregard for what's written in the Philippine Constitution, for which I think this statement does already, but I think it would do us all some semblance of good if we step back and take a second look at the things in the anecdote - there's a lot to see and interpret, really. The reinforcement of symbols within symbols just can't be ignored: from the caterpillar, part of the cycle that involves metamorphosis, to the innocence and surprising concern of the kid;from the ground where the caterpillar fell, to the little piece of what would seem like a sanctuary to the caterpillar: the morning glory by the roadside;from my indifferent glance, to the sudden realization after I've walked a few meters past it.
I think it all boils down to the one of the greatest truths in the world: miracles happen everyday, and oft in surprising ways.
Would you pick it up if you see it?
Sunday, October 3, 2010
gLee Episode 20, "Theatricality"
I'm not sixteen, but I'm guilty of still assuming the best in people most, if not all, of the time. Looking back, this trait has been my boon and my bane, and I believe it will still continue to be. It has helped me see, empathize, and realize things I otherwise wouldn't have been able to. It helped my soar greater heights in some areas of my life, yes, but the higher we fly, the harder we fall. It's one reason why I remember transgressions against me. I mean, I may not harbor a grudge, but I'd experience a greater degree of awkwardness than I normally would. People have called me idealistic, and I've no qualms with that as there are things I believe in that I won't let go so nonchalantly.
A handful of people, misinterpreting my shyness, have called and continue to call me a snob. It doesn't really affect me that much anymore, but each time that label gets thrown at me, I 'd sorely wish that we all would try to see beneath the physical shells of the persons we interact with. You see, given my snobbish reputation, I doubt people would think that I easily fall for people who show to me that they care. I am a person who thirsts for love as much everyone else does. It's just that when we're burned, we learn to fear the flame. Experience will always be the best teacher. I have been burned, not literally, quite a handful of times, and beyond the pain I feel and have learned to be numb to, I've gotten tired of the blisters. I'm tired of seeing myself get deformed each and every time. Wounds may heal but their scars may stay with us for life.
I've become tired of seeing people come. And go. Without warning. And with their departure, I lose yet another piece of my heart. My heart is not a collector's item for goodness' sake. What is it with people who arrive into your life, make you slowly fall for them, and then leave without goodbyes. A single message saying "Goodbye." would have sufficed. At least there's some form of closure, unlike cold shoulders that manifest without warning - sudden cold snaps that siphon warmth off you ravenously, leaving you a withered, frost-covered husk in a matter of seconds. I just wished that if people want to stop communicating or seeing me, they'd tell me point blank. It'd hurt, yes, but at least it won't leave me cursed with anxiety. Save me from paranoia, please. I've enough of it to not want more.
I'm a person who's very eager to share all that I was, all that I am, and all that I'll ever be to the person who'll make me feel loved and cared for. I'm a dam barely managing to hold back a lot of love. Chipping away at my heart does me no good. So, for you, Special Person who I may meet along the road of life, I hope you'll have enough perseverance to see things through. I may not open up as quickly as you like, but I know myself enough to say that I'm most likely worth the wait. What am I saying? It sounds like I'm desperately advertising myself, which I'm not. I just want to make things clear, and I hope I did.
Just don't build me up only to break me down.
Friday, October 1, 2010
and beauty it was she found;
Glanced she at the mirror silv'ry,
and beauty she saw profound;
Raised she her arms to sky; she swore,
all shall her beauty behold;
From then on, Night's blessing she bore,
Walked proud, did she, so fair; Cold.
Wore she, for years, the Crown aloft,
and velvet Kiss on her brow,
Led she, the Dance, ways stern, ways soft,
and for years fulfilled her vow.
Thus grew in peace Gloriana fair,
flowers bloomed in woodland light,
Thus drifted sweet the forest air,
fauna roamed without a plight.
Praised she, the Night, for all was good,
and to Raven paid respect;
soil, water, air; the very wood,
life unmarred, almost perfect.
Basked, did she, in the storm's false calm,
heedless of the looming tests:
Dark Yokes on the wings of sad psalms,
Victim-Queen of Three Fates' jests.
Tied was, her Doom, to Cities' vice,
and theirs to her first task's fruit,
but deaf they were to Counsels wise,
and rendered pure futures moot.
Turned then the clockwork gyres of Fate,
warped lives bound by choices weft,
blind moths dazzled by fire;Light's bait,
First World now's forever cleft.
Crystal winds brought her Soulless test,
'las! She failed;Night's towers fell;
Life and Mind did Almighty wrest,
and left her a fallen belle.
Bide, did she, her dark time alone,
hope bereft, swathed in lament,
'neath black roots by blacker stone; till
Lady Thorn eased her torment.
But ceaseless still are her rues; for
her comfort is still transient;
Night's vassal-crone and vessel-muse,
New Moon's beldam black; ancient.
This is my entry for Lusternia's September Bardics, since I was unable to finish my Star-eyes drawing due to my temporary separation with Q.
P.S. I kind of like the 'vassal-crone and vessel-muse' line. There are other lines I like, but I think this one is currently at the top of my list.