Thursday, March 25, 2010

Expecting

I don't understand why, but I just started expecting something I don't know . It's a feeling that's just there. I don't know what spurred it. I don't know what to make of it. I don't know what to expect. I just feel that I'm expecting something...familiar. I guess I'll just have to wait and see what's in the coming days for me. I hope and pray it's nothing bad, though.

Ciao.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Clothes

Today, I decided to go to school wearing a really large shirt and straight cut pants. The result was that I looked like a follower of hip-hop, though not really that much. I was sure that it was bound to get the attention of my classmates, who're already used to me wearing medium or slim fit clothes, and the other people from the campus, since the outfit was not really in style. Anyway, I even thought that I looked comical, or even a bit idiotic, if I say so myself. Somehow, wearing those clothes made me happy, because I realized that once in while, it's best to not follow the trends of society. I was happy because it was another part of myself that I rediscovered - the part that doesn't care about looking good more than being happy with what I am wearing. I found happiness in the fact that today, I didn't really care much about what the people around me would think or say. I won't deny that I have a thing for dressing up well, however, experiences such as the one I am writing about can be very refreshing - a reminder that we are human beings more special than the articles of clothing we wear.

People are always entitled to their opinions, but the choice to get affected by their opinions or not lies in us alone. For example, as my friends and I were walking towards the gate from the study area in the canteen near the university dormitories, there were a few dormers behind us, who must have thought that I couldn't hear their conversation with each other regarding hip-hop clothing, or they could have possibly been tactless enough to exchange snide remarks loud enough for the one they were talking about to hear. I don't think any of my friends noticed, though. Usually, when it comes to things which may come off as minor details to others, I tend to notice them more, as is evident in the earlier scenario. I didn't get mad, though, only slightly annoyed - you'd think they should have other, more worthwhile things to talk about - but I wasn't really affected. No, thank you. When I decided to wear those clothes earlier today, I conditioned myself to ignore petty things like those, and now, I plan to extend this frame of thought to cover how I cope up with the world in general.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

A Remedy

de·pres·sion [di présh'n]
(plural de·pres·sions)
noun
1. sadness: a state of unhappiness and hopelessness
2. psychiatric disorder: a psychiatric disorder showing symptoms such as persistent feelings of hopelessness, dejection, poor concentration, lack of energy, inability to sleep, and, sometimes, suicidal tendencies
3. economic slump: a period in which an economy is greatly affected by unemployment, low output, and poverty
4. reduced activity: a lowering of activity, quality, vitality, or force
5. hollow: an area on the surface of something that is lower than the surface surrounding it
6. meteorology low pressure area: an area of low barometric pressure that often brings rain

Microsoft® Encarta® 2007. © 1993-2006 Microsoft Corporation. All rights reserved

1.) sadness: check

2.) persistent feelings of hopelessness: check

3.) dejection: check

4.) poor concentration: check

5.) lack of energy: check

6.) inability to sleep: check

7.) suicidal tendencies: thankfully, no

Well, a mark of 6 out of 7 on the depression checklist is bound to mean something: I am depressed. The question now is: "why?" Truth be told, I don't really know. Fine, it's not that I don't really know anything per se, but I do have several ideas why. A part of me would like to believe that it's an outcome of my repressed adolescent identity crisis. Repressed because I believe I've been repressing it for several years already, and ironically, I'm now 18 - a young adult, come another year and I'll be out of my teenage years, technically. I think that somehow, somewhere along the way, the balloon of my repressed thoughts, and feelings burst without my knowledge and I only just realized it now. I guess I was too oblivious to going-ons within me because I was too busy with those happening around me. I recall someone in a movie mentioning that the first step towards relieving one's self of depression is admitting it, so, there we go, I just admitted that I am. Step one's done. The thing is, what comes next?

I'd like to think of what's currently happening as a dream - a nightmare, at that. And just like real dreams, you don't really notice that you're dream's a nightmare at once. Well, now that I've realized, and accepted that I am in a living nightmare, or at least, a really, really bad dream, what now? Is this the part where I realize that it's all a dream, and being the dreamer, I can will things to manifest? Is this were I muster all my courage and marshall all rational thought and dream of something voluntarily - super powers to banish the fiends around me, perhaps? Instinct tells me that this is indeed that part - the one where I reconcile myself with the fact that my dream has ended up badly, but that it's not impossible to turn the tide of things. I should be the one in control, after all, this entire dream - both the good and the bad parts included, is mine. So, I guess I've just entered that part of the dream - the struggle to win over my nightmare, the darkness within my subconscious.

I should really congratulate myself for entering this phase. I mean, the fact that I am now struggling to take my life back into functionality has to mean something good, right? So, CONGRATULATIONS, KALOY! I do admit that despite this good news, it is a bit late in occuring. I have been procastinating this plan ever since it dawned to me. Well, I believe I'll have to pay for the delay, again, and while that may mean more bad news for me, I just have to work it out since, in the end, it's all for the better, right?

While I suspect that the cheerful tone of this post can be due to my recent remedy to depression (eating) and could also be a mood swing, I have planned something first-hand. What's a better solution to those gloomy thoughts than channeling them into writing? Surely all those angst could help me create something new, and at least, in this way, I can drain myself of those emotions without taking them on and thus changing my mood for the day. So, I'd like to introduce everyone to my new book, "Quinto," and "Spock."

Okay, that was annoying. Sylar, my laptop, is sick of Firefox-crashes-down--when-I-try-to-upload-pictures-due-to-a-rundll32-error and so I'm unable to post my picture with Quinto and Spock. I'll make sure to find a way to fix this error soon as this would render me unable to upload my drawings to deviantart and my artisanal entries to Lusternia, too. Anyway, I'll be sure to take Quinto, now nicknamed "Q" and Spock wherever I go, especially at school, so I'll be able to keep my brain juices flowing and not turning sour. I'll be making drafts of my blog posts in Q, too, so I'll be able to make better posts, and besides, writing has always been meditative for me, so I guess that's another plus to my campaign to get rid of depression.

As regards to my A to Z lists, I've thought of several additions already and I'll be sure to gather my ideas and write them down into coherent paragraphs in Q. I just remembered that I also like to draw while writing, but I'll try not to turn Q into my drawing book since I have one already, albeit a rather empty one. I'll be sure to fill it in, too. I guess I should also rave for the prospect of finally segregating my drawings from doodles and writings, since that should also help me organize my thoughts better and decrease the chance of me experiencing mental strain.

I end this post on a lighter note - one filled with promise and I really, really,really hope that things will turn out good. I've just resumed going to mass last sunday and I intend to attend the mass at the university chapel if I am able. I guess it's about time I actually express my gratitude for the favours and blessings I've been recieving for the last 18 years of my life. I mean, there's a lot of things to worry about, being a student far away from home, but there's even a lot more to be thankful for and I should really not waste my time and my life worrying about too many things. I've long since realized and even experienced first-hand that things will eventually fall into place. After all, I've had my share of those things, too. So, here I am, hoping for the best once more.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

A few questions

What defines attractive? Is it the hair? The eyes? The eyebrows? The eyelashes? The cheekbones? The lips? The chin? The body? The attititude? Or is it a perfect synergy of everything mentioned? Or is it the heart and soul? Can you fall in love with your eyes closed?

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

I am Immature, or am I?

"You are so immature."

Last Friday, someone called me immature. To be honest, I got insulted. Not only because the thing she considered merited her claim happened a week before(and the event in question renders my actions not out-of-place), and thus her reaction was very, very, very late, but also because she had the nerve to call me so. While I haven't really revealed much about myself to my college friends, that doesn't mean they can call me immature at their leisure. Ironically, they have called me many things, usually behind my back, and when they're feeling like it, my back's back. They call it being frank about things and have justified it by saying only true friends can be cruelly honest. Someday, I'd like to tell them there's a difference between lambasting someone to the face and making sincere constructive criticisms, and that they should learn to identify one from the other. Isn't the mere fact that I keep a straight face, maintain a diplomat's bearing, and sometimes join in by degrading myself in front of them(which they rather enjoy) show that I'm not immature?

They never took time to stop and think of what they've said and done to me, in fact they never take time to stop and think of what they say and do. As long as it was not about them, it was fine. As long as it was not their egos that took a beating, it was alright. As long as they were not the ones who got hurt, it was okay. They have the nerve to call me immature on the grounds that the argument in question is accessible to the public. It was an argument I did not start. Following their line of reasoning, I believe they consider their private lambasting sessions mature, just because it's done privately.

Now that I ponder on it more, anger is beginning to cloud my mind. I don't think I'll be able to write coherently as much as I'd like, however, I'll keep writing, if only to release this feeling. Now, regarding their immature comment on the argument, I think it's really unfair for them to call me so. They themselves know the circumstances that led to it. They know my sentiments, which they echo themselves. I understand their wanting to remain neutral, but come now, calling one party(which is really only one person - me) immature while agreeing to the other is not neutrality. It's hypocrisy.

They're trying to paint a rather ugly picture of me. One where I am shown to be the one who started a scandal. I did not start it. It was not me who went on an outrage in a restaurant. I was the one who kept mum all throughout the afternoon while the one who made a scandal earlier was putting on fake smiles and feigning indifference on his act, which he knew was out of place. I am not the one claiming that my side is wholly righteous, in fact, I've done less than proper things, but I acknowledged them. I'm not the one trying to get the sentiment of the people I've wronged , because it was not me who wronged them, it was the very person going around seeking sympathy. In fact, unlike my other 'friends,' or rather, members of the circle of people I constantly go around with, I'm not trying to live in the illusion that everything is going smoothly, even though the reality that something is wrong is right before my eyes. I'm not the one who nonchalantly chucks criticisms at people. Am I really the immature one?

I really detest having judgment passed on me. Especially by unqualified people. Especially if the said people consider me very superficial. Superficial enough that in their belief that I deem myself higher than most people, they place me beneath them. They don't know enough about me to call me immature. They never gave me the chance to reveal whatever is beneath my exterior, figuratively speaking.

I doubt I'll get the chance to show my best given that they have this image of my worst, both real and imagined, in their head. I'm really at a loss as to how I should deal with the said people and things. My head hurts from thinking too much about them - circumstances I can never change, and people who consider me very trivial.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Bonus Question

BONUS QUESTION: is HELL EXOTHERMIC or ENDOTHERMIC

From Teepu Cedi Camba in Facebook

The following is an actual question given on University of Arizona chemistry mid-term.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting
'Oh my God.'


THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

A to Z list update

As I was walking towards the internet cafe earlier, several things came into my mind(This happens a lot while I'm walking or riding a vehicle going somewhere; this is also why I love walks and rides to distant places - well, not so distant places, too). Most of the said thoughts were related to my A to Z list, and I'm writing them down here so I won't forget them.

Here's one thought that struck me most:

To-do list:

F- feel alive again. Yeah, I definitely need to do this. Over the past few months, I feel that life's passing me by - it moves too fast. Too many things keep on happening either at once or one after the other and are spaced too close to each other for me too keep up. I feel overcome by the many circumstances that I find myself in. I need space. I need time. I need to take a few steps back and look at my life's bigger picture. I need to reconcile myself with many things within, about, and around me. I need to do these things in order for me to feel alive again. I need that drive to live my life to the fullest. I miss feeling alive.

Now that I think about it, most of the things that were mentioned in the previous paragraph can be part of my to-do list, however, I won't be making individual entries for them in the list itself. They basically boil down to the same thing and as much as possible, I'd like to refrain from repeating things. After all, my life doesn't have to revolve around the negative things. I feel and I know there's much more to my life than them. I'd like my to-do list to reflect my desire to be a better person and thus, enjoy living a better life.

So, I guess that's it for now. Oh, and before I forget this sudden addition to my list, I have to add:

P - for progress. I'll expound on it next time. Ciao.