Saturday, November 20, 2010

Solitude

If there's anything Cebu has burned into me, I guess the realization of the magnitude of Solitude's power would be among the most prominent ones. The knowledge alone of the solitude I'll be facing when I get back to my room from a small reunion, a night-out, long walks and long travel, is potent enough to make me dread going 'home' unless I'm tired and utterly spent. At least back home, I had my family to keep me company. We may not always agree on things, and yes, my siblings and I oft get ourselves into arguments, but the thing was that I wasn't alone. In my solitude here in Cebu, I have come to dread the future. The shadow of a future alone scares me. I grew up being surrounded by people. I may not have been the best when it came to expressing myself around my immediate family, but I still felt secure. Being alone makes you feel vulnerable. Helpless. Naked and there for all the world to molest. Devour. It is during times like these I really wish I could go out more with my highschool friends, but sadly our schedules tend to conflict. Or at least do things other than sit and stare in my room. It drains me and renders me uninspired. I end up being unable to draw. Even reading becomes bland. I end up envying those who get to hang out with their friends and classmates - I am literally alone in Talamban because all our other classmates who used to reside here have left. And as for those who reside in Cebu, let's just say their families aren't exactly that open-minded to allow their sons and daughters to go out even during weekends except on official school activities. Sigh.

I should really take to heart what our Economics teacher said last week. It was basically something along the lines of life turning out for the better one day and that we should bide our time, if we must, and endure our frustrations. Pleasure and leisure must, if they can, wait.

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