Sunday, October 3, 2010

Attachments and Commitments

''You're sixteen and still assume the best in people, but when you grow up a few years you begin to see the hatred in people's hearts.''

-Burt Hummel
gLee Episode 20, "Theatricality"

I'm not sixteen, but I'm guilty of still assuming the best in people most, if not all, of the time. Looking back, this trait has been my boon and my bane, and I believe it will still continue to be. It has helped me see, empathize, and realize things I otherwise wouldn't have been able to. It helped my soar greater heights in some areas of my life, yes, but the higher we fly, the harder we fall. It's one reason why I remember transgressions against me. I mean, I may not harbor a grudge, but I'd experience a greater degree of awkwardness than I normally would. People have called me idealistic, and I've no qualms with that as there are things I believe in that I won't let go so nonchalantly.

A handful of people, misinterpreting my shyness, have called and continue to call me a snob. It doesn't really affect me that much anymore, but each time that label gets thrown at me, I 'd sorely wish that we all would try to see beneath the physical shells of the persons we interact with. You see, given my snobbish reputation, I doubt people would think that I easily fall for people who show to me that they care. I am a person who thirsts for love as much everyone else does. It's just that when we're burned, we learn to fear the flame. Experience will always be the best teacher. I have been burned, not literally, quite a handful of times, and beyond the pain I feel and have learned to be numb to, I've gotten tired of the blisters. I'm tired of seeing myself get deformed each and every time. Wounds may heal but their scars may stay with us for life.

I've become tired of seeing people come. And go. Without warning. And with their departure, I lose yet another piece of my heart. My heart is not a collector's item for goodness' sake. What is it with people who arrive into your life, make you slowly fall for them, and then leave without goodbyes. A single message saying "Goodbye." would have sufficed. At least there's some form of closure, unlike cold shoulders that manifest without warning - sudden cold snaps that siphon warmth off you ravenously, leaving you a withered, frost-covered husk in a matter of seconds. I just wished that if people want to stop communicating or seeing me, they'd tell me point blank. It'd hurt, yes, but at least it won't leave me cursed with anxiety. Save me from paranoia, please. I've enough of it to not want more.

I'm a person who's very eager to share all that I was, all that I am, and all that I'll ever be to the person who'll make me feel loved and cared for. I'm a dam barely managing to hold back a lot of love. Chipping away at my heart does me no good. So, for you, Special Person who I may meet along the road of life, I hope you'll have enough perseverance to see things through. I may not open up as quickly as you like, but I know myself enough to say that I'm most likely worth the wait. What am I saying? It sounds like I'm desperately advertising myself, which I'm not. I just want to make things clear, and I hope I did.

Just don't build me up only to break me down.

3 comments:

  1. ''You're sixteen and still assume the best in people, but when you grow up a few years you begin to see the hatred in people's hearts.''

    it is not you who begins to see the hatred, it is your ego. :P

    you are a being of form and the formless. that is why you are called 'human being'. human = form and the being = the formless = the Divinity = Consciousness in You.

    let go of your ego, and labels will no longer bother you. let go, and it "won't leave [you] cursed with anxiety." and it will "save [you] from paranoia."

    Namaste.

    ReplyDelete
  2. at the end of the day, it is still our humane instict of trusting and believing in the goodness of people, that will matter...

    as of now, try experiencing life in its ups and downs... eventually, you'll see.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Allan: Erm, as of now, I don't really see the hatred. Not yet. I dunno. I am loth to seeing it. I don't want to. A lot of the things I believe in are ultimately tied to the goodness of other people - those that I meet in life. This post wasn't really about my ego, it's basically just me putting it out there that I'm not a landmark you can visit and leave at your leisure. Oh, and that my heart isn't a collector's item. Heh. I do get your gist, though, having read your latest post, and thanks for the tip! ;)

    @wanderingcommuter: I still haven't lost faith. Not yet! Experiences tend to happen to us whether we anticipate them or not, but sometimes, no matter how we prepare ourselves, there's still a small sliver of that inevitable pain, disappointment, and everything else in between. I guess what's good with them is that there will always be lessons to learn after each event is over. Thank you. :)

    ReplyDelete