Saturday, August 21, 2010

Losing Touch

by Christopherboy A. Lelis on Wednesday, August 18, 2010 at 10:19pm

If there's one thing the current Midterm Hellweek has made me realize, it's that I'm losing touch with my acads. I don't know why but I feel like I've lost my pep. Many things are draining me. I look at my teachers and it drains me. I look at what they're writing on the board and it drains me. I listen to the lecture and it drains me. I look at my notes and it drains me. I think of anything tangentially related to school and it drains me. Man, I should sue them for draining my life energy.

Seriously, though, I know something's wrong - it's just hard to pinpoint the cause. Hell, it's even hard to pinpoint the effect. Wait, maybe that is the problem: everything's freaking messed up.

Insert cataclysmic imagery here.

Once upon a time I felt that my life's voyage would be a breeze, furnished with a planned destination and not subject to change. Alas that I should fall victim to such folly. Anyhow, as I've long since realized, I'm a directionless compass at the moment. I sorely need a nudge towards the right direction, or at least an assurance that the way I'm going isn't so bad at all. One can't help but worry endlessly about one's choices when the possible futures seem bleak. I mean, I'm at a point in my life where I feel that the littlest of decisions might spell the difference between something relatively beneficial and something totally problematic.

There's the Chaos theory after all.

I'm a system bound to get into a state of increased chaos, but hey, people have always campaigned that our life is usually mostly within our hands(read: power of decision making), and thus I believe that my worries aren't wholly unjustified. It's not so bad to wish for assurance, is it? Then again, I tend to be picky when I listen to assurances from people. There are persons I don't want to end up being alike in the long run and there are also those whose fortunes I want to make mine, or at least attain something close.

I'm beginning to acknowledge that there is a limit to our dreams, sad though it may be. Said limit is called reality. Nerf reality, I say. Or at least nerf how it tends to dampen our aspirations. Can't we be realistic and dream big things at the same time? Sadly, society mostly dictates that it has to be one or the other: be a fruitless dreamer or be an overworked achiever. This is why successful people attract the kind of attention and awe that they get: they dreamed, believed, survived, made us all starstruck and still manage to make it seem like they were born for whatever they've attained. While it inspires us, it also cements our belief that we were meant to be stuck where we are. We become too fatalistic. It's one of those great ironies in life humans tend to get themselves in.

Hey, I believe in the power of my decisions.

Oh, wait, maybe I wasn't meant to be this or that.

Confusing, huh?

It's annoying how we build walls to trap ourselves in. We yearn to reach distant places and yet we build insurmountable barriers to hinder ourselves. We wall ourselves in. We wall our goals out. We divide. And after making sure that there aren't any nooks and crannies we can't get past in, we go in circles, bitterly admiring our goal and inwardly cursing the fortress we made around them. Once we've gone around the walls enough, we shake our heads and head towards a different goal. And so we repeat what we've just finished.

We confuse ourselves too much. We endlessly wander. We go in circles.

We are too masochistic.

In fact, we are masochistic enough to masochistically, endlessly and fruitlessly toil.

We just like to wander. Or maybe we're just too prone to losing ourselves.

Or maybe we just need that direction. Damn, Buddha made enlightenment sound so easy.

So, pot-bellied, melon-chested, bindied-forehead enlightenment guy? No offense or anything, but I could use some enlightenment, too.

Heck, my lack of direction is all too-apparent in this post.

Turning and turning within the widening gyre.


I'm serious.

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