Monday, August 30, 2010

Home

A house is not a home.

-Luther Vandross

I have been living in a boarding house in Cebu for three years now. In fact, I am walled in by the same four walls ever since I've started college. At first, it didn't really come off as something big to me, but over the past few semesters, the good and usually bad included, I've come to the realization that there is all the difference in the world between staying alone in a usually diplomatic house and staying at home. There is all the difference between being surrounded by people you barely know and being in the presence of your family.

I guess that's why it's called a boarding house, not a boarding home. Nothing can ever truly replace your family, despite all of your differences.

Living alone, I've come to understand how loneliness can be bittersweet: it can be both a sanctuary and a nightmare. I've gone through a lot of things, but I still do not think I have the right to claim that I understand the loop de loops of life. In fact, I am always plagued by many thoughts that oft times I've shared with some of the people I trust and relate to the most.

I have been broke several times and can only entrust to my parents' instinct and sometimes, my friends, to save me, since I rarely ever tell them, or anyone for that manner, that something's wrong. When I'm experiencing turmoil inside and out, I've always opted to write it down and cast it away later, safe from anyone else's eyes to see because I do not want them to worry.

I've always been the type of person who loathes being seemingly helpless in front of anyone, especially the ones I care for. That's why I read and do research in private so I can learn of things under the sun. That's just how I've coped up with things ever since I was little.While a maintain a cheerful facade, I can actually be a dam waiting to burst. That's why when I'm given the opportunity to say or write exactly what I feel, I can be very verbose, and even when I am not given the chance, I try to put as many things as I can between the lines I say and write, hoping the people I'm communicating with gets the message I'm trying to pass to them. And even with all the writing and talking I do, I am rarely straightforward, because when it comes to personal matters, I'm a clam - shy and guarded. It has become part of my nature already.

Such opportunities can also come in the form of solitude in my boarding house. This is among the reasons why I dislike to stay in my room for lengths of time doing nothing. I used to draw, read, write and tinker with my laptop when I'm inside, but over time, the effect of these things waned. I guess that's mostly because I've done these things a hell lot of times already. It doesn't really help that my father forbid me to bring my laptop to Cebu this semester, it was one of the things that helped me keep myself sane.

At the moment, I am, to use the common jargon, in deep shit. I don't know how to go about it, but I guess I will have to face it eventually. I really, really need to prepare myself while it's still early, and I'm still allowed another chance. I do not want to run out of chances. I don't want to end up being a pitiful and helpless leech.

I hope I can sort things out, heck, I hope these things will let me sort them out. I can only entrust things to Whoever is up there. I can only be thankful for all the support and proddings the people around me give me, even without me asking them, and even if it gets too annoying at times. I try my hardest to be as good as I can, though admittedly, I go off tangent sometimes, but hey, I manage to get back whenever I truly need to, right?

I wish myself luck and fair fortune and that one day, I can go home with my head held high, and with my family proud of me.

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