Monday, August 30, 2010
A house is not a home.
I have been living in a boarding house in Cebu for three years now. In fact, I am walled in by the same four walls ever since I've started college. At first, it didn't really come off as something big to me, but over the past few semesters, the good and usually bad included, I've come to the realization that there is all the difference in the world between staying alone in a usually diplomatic house and staying at home. There is all the difference between being surrounded by people you barely know and being in the presence of your family.
I guess that's why it's called a boarding house, not a boarding home. Nothing can ever truly replace your family, despite all of your differences.
Living alone, I've come to understand how loneliness can be bittersweet: it can be both a sanctuary and a nightmare. I've gone through a lot of things, but I still do not think I have the right to claim that I understand the loop de loops of life. In fact, I am always plagued by many thoughts that oft times I've shared with some of the people I trust and relate to the most.
I have been broke several times and can only entrust to my parents' instinct and sometimes, my friends, to save me, since I rarely ever tell them, or anyone for that manner, that something's wrong. When I'm experiencing turmoil inside and out, I've always opted to write it down and cast it away later, safe from anyone else's eyes to see because I do not want them to worry.
I've always been the type of person who loathes being seemingly helpless in front of anyone, especially the ones I care for. That's why I read and do research in private so I can learn of things under the sun. That's just how I've coped up with things ever since I was little.While a maintain a cheerful facade, I can actually be a dam waiting to burst. That's why when I'm given the opportunity to say or write exactly what I feel, I can be very verbose, and even when I am not given the chance, I try to put as many things as I can between the lines I say and write, hoping the people I'm communicating with gets the message I'm trying to pass to them. And even with all the writing and talking I do, I am rarely straightforward, because when it comes to personal matters, I'm a clam - shy and guarded. It has become part of my nature already.
Such opportunities can also come in the form of solitude in my boarding house. This is among the reasons why I dislike to stay in my room for lengths of time doing nothing. I used to draw, read, write and tinker with my laptop when I'm inside, but over time, the effect of these things waned. I guess that's mostly because I've done these things a hell lot of times already. It doesn't really help that my father forbid me to bring my laptop to Cebu this semester, it was one of the things that helped me keep myself sane.
At the moment, I am, to use the common jargon, in deep shit. I don't know how to go about it, but I guess I will have to face it eventually. I really, really need to prepare myself while it's still early, and I'm still allowed another chance. I do not want to run out of chances. I don't want to end up being a pitiful and helpless leech.
I hope I can sort things out, heck, I hope these things will let me sort them out. I can only entrust things to Whoever is up there. I can only be thankful for all the support and proddings the people around me give me, even without me asking them, and even if it gets too annoying at times. I try my hardest to be as good as I can, though admittedly, I go off tangent sometimes, but hey, I manage to get back whenever I truly need to, right?
I wish myself luck and fair fortune and that one day, I can go home with my head held high, and with my family proud of me.
I'm writing this because I want to express my fascination for that sort of stuff. It's just great how one is able to recall one song, out of many others, that best fits the core of someone's writing.
I can only hope I'd be able to do that in time.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Earlier, I was on a hunt for a certain picture over a year ago, and as with any other search I do, I found things other than what I was looking for, and I got sidetracked a bit. As I browsing
through month-old pictures either alone or with friends and classmates, I realized that I have a new-found liking for group pictures. There's something candid about these pictures when I look at them now that I did not see before. Maybe it's because I'm in a mood to reminisce the past(ahem ahem).
Here are a few of the pictures:
With applied physics block mates during our victory party last year. Personally, I think this one of our better group shots, since we're all smiles in a calming sort of way. Well, I call this picture calming since our group shots tend to involve us in various states of hyperactivity.
With two of my high school batch mates, Circe and Kathryn(left to right) during our first year college. This was taken at The Terraces in Ayala, during a time when we were still dazed and very much prone to oggling over the shinies in Cebu.
With Lemour and Jon during our Math 52 Class last year. Yes, I doze off during class!
A very surprised me with high school batchmates at Maribojoc over a year ago. This was taken after our practice for Maureen's 18th birthday.
Still taken at the same place with the same people, but this time I ain't hogging the camera.
With the same people; this picture was taken earlier that day. When the sun was still shining, obviously.
Well, I'll stop here lest I flood this post with more pictures to showcase my vanity.
I caught word of the fire in the internet cafe I was in. All of a sudden, many of those around were in a hurry to get out. They were living close to the place where the fire was, and they were in haste to try and save what they can of their things. Having no idea then of the fire's exact location, I went out, too, hoping that the fire was far from my boarding house.
Sirens from firetrucks were blaring as I went out, heedless of the light rain that was slowly wetting me. Many residents - students, professionals, and home owners alike were outside, just as impervious to the rain as I was, and they looked on as the firefighters attempted to put out the fire.
I went on ahead and tried to called my classmates who were near the place, but they weren't answering their phones. I took this as a good sign - either they were out already carrying more important belongings or they were asleep in their dorms, unaware of the fire(which would only be possible if they weren't in immediate danger, I mean, people around them would wake them up for sure if they were in danger).
The fire was put out a few minutes later, a process undoubtedly sped up by the rain which intensified a little during the course of the accident. I went home to change my soaking clothes, took a jacket, and went out again, determined to continue my interrupted internet surfing session.
The incident had me thinking of several things: one, we can never be too sure of the possibilities of things happening - even fires can start during a wet, rainy night; two, we should be glad of the moments bequeathed to us by whatever power drives creation, for we will never know when they'd cease to be given to us; three, we need to be prepared for whatever comes our way - regardless of their nature, extend, and timing; and four, we need to learn to empathize and help those who face troubles, unexpected or not, and be thankful that whatever they're facing is not a burden we have to bear.
We live fragile lives in very fragile places. Places which can disappear in the wake of a chemical reaction.
The extent of the damage of the fire's damage to property is yet unknown to me, although I expect I'll learn of it in the news later today. Although properties were lost, I believe no lives were, and I'm thankful for this. News of tragedy so close to where I'm living always has a negative effect on me - I get muted, if you get what I mean.
In the face of the accident that has happened, it is heartening to see people aid each other - mostly classmates helping classmates, boardmates helping boardmates, and neighbors helping neighbors. I saw students and young professionals carrying bags under the rain. I saw one person carrying his laptop and its speakers tucked under his arm, devoid of a bag and under the mercy of the light rain - I thought the laptop might contain something of great import to him at the moment for him to prioritize it over clothes.
It is always sad to see Loss occur before your eyes, nevertheless, as one man said earlier, "we lost everything, but we are alive." True, Fire may leave ash and soot when it dies out, but it does not mean we can't clear the debris away and build again.
There is no reason not to attempt to regain and even surpass whatever is lost in a fire.
I pray to the powers that be that this fire is the last that happens here, if that's even possible.
Fires may burn and consume, but let us not forget about other fires we look to in the face of disheartening things: fires of hope, faith, and the inner fire, that inner drive, to always become better persons.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Testing in 5.
Well, I seem to be able to use the above image as a link to my facebook page, in theory.
Now, to test it!
This experiment has been a success.
To mark the start of yet another attempt to turn over a new leaf aimed to fix the mess I've made of my life, I'll be renovating a.k.a. personalizing the layout of my blog, or at least attempt to.
This is really just an excuse for me to make full use of the heaps of inspiration(love begets inspiration), and a sufficient amount of guilt(for my measly acads, which I'll sorely attempt to fix for real).
Credit for the picture goes to molimonster on Deviantart.
If there's one thing the current Midterm Hellweek has made me realize, it's that I'm losing touch with my acads. I don't know why but I feel like I've lost my pep. Many things are draining me. I look at my teachers and it drains me. I look at what they're writing on the board and it drains me. I listen to the lecture and it drains me. I look at my notes and it drains me. I think of anything tangentially related to school and it drains me. Man, I should sue them for draining my life energy.
Seriously, though, I know something's wrong - it's just hard to pinpoint the cause. Hell, it's even hard to pinpoint the effect. Wait, maybe that is the problem: everything's freaking messed up.
Insert cataclysmic imagery here.
Once upon a time I felt that my life's voyage would be a breeze, furnished with a planned destination and not subject to change. Alas that I should fall victim to such folly. Anyhow, as I've long since realized, I'm a directionless compass at the moment. I sorely need a nudge towards the right direction, or at least an assurance that the way I'm going isn't so bad at all. One can't help but worry endlessly about one's choices when the possible futures seem bleak. I mean, I'm at a point in my life where I feel that the littlest of decisions might spell the difference between something relatively beneficial and something totally problematic.
There's the Chaos theory after all.
I'm a system bound to get into a state of increased chaos, but hey, people have always campaigned that our life is usually mostly within our hands(read: power of decision making), and thus I believe that my worries aren't wholly unjustified. It's not so bad to wish for assurance, is it? Then again, I tend to be picky when I listen to assurances from people. There are persons I don't want to end up being alike in the long run and there are also those whose fortunes I want to make mine, or at least attain something close.
I'm beginning to acknowledge that there is a limit to our dreams, sad though it may be. Said limit is called reality. Nerf reality, I say. Or at least nerf how it tends to dampen our aspirations. Can't we be realistic and dream big things at the same time? Sadly, society mostly dictates that it has to be one or the other: be a fruitless dreamer or be an overworked achiever. This is why successful people attract the kind of attention and awe that they get: they dreamed, believed, survived, made us all starstruck and still manage to make it seem like they were born for whatever they've attained. While it inspires us, it also cements our belief that we were meant to be stuck where we are. We become too fatalistic. It's one of those great ironies in life humans tend to get themselves in.
Hey, I believe in the power of my decisions.
Oh, wait, maybe I wasn't meant to be this or that.
It's annoying how we build walls to trap ourselves in. We yearn to reach distant places and yet we build insurmountable barriers to hinder ourselves. We wall ourselves in. We wall our goals out. We divide. And after making sure that there aren't any nooks and crannies we can't get past in, we go in circles, bitterly admiring our goal and inwardly cursing the fortress we made around them. Once we've gone around the walls enough, we shake our heads and head towards a different goal. And so we repeat what we've just finished.
We confuse ourselves too much. We endlessly wander. We go in circles.
We are too masochistic.
In fact, we are masochistic enough to masochistically, endlessly and fruitlessly toil.
We just like to wander. Or maybe we're just too prone to losing ourselves.
Or maybe we just need that direction. Damn, Buddha made enlightenment sound so easy.
So, pot-bellied, melon-chested, bindied-forehead enlightenment guy? No offense or anything, but I could use some enlightenment, too.
Heck, my lack of direction is all too-apparent in this post.
Turning and turning within the widening gyre.