Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Remember me this way

Remember me this way

Earlier today, I came across the facebook profile of a model who was in his early twenties. Yes. Was. The guy died at least two months ago, he wasn't even 26. Up until now, his bereaved friends still post on his facebook wall. I find it both admirable and amazing that this guy, who lived a few and twenty years in this world, could touch the lives of many people to an extent that they still 'talk' to him through his facebook wall about the usual and sometimes trivial things one usually talks about with their friends on their friend's wall and they do so as if he were alive. 'Hi's, 'hello's, and 'how are you's abound on his wall to this day - a testament of the ties he's made with countless lives of people who have undoubtedly been touched by him in his own way. What struck me, though, was the realization that life indeed likes to strike us unaware. He was at the prime of his life: he was undoubtedly living prosperously; he could afford what he wanted; and he can be counted among those whose countenance is worth both envy and praise for it is one of mortal beauty and seeming perfection. By reading over the contents of his wall spanning several months into the past, I have found reason to doubt that he had already found the love of his life, but of this he can be forgiven. He is mortal after all, and the search for the love of one's life is neither a search to be taken lightly nor one accomplished at a definite time frame within one's life.

Being one who has always been enamoured by physical beauty, apparent perfection, and material possession, I have realized that physical beauty and material possession are exactly what they are - one, a physical trait and the other, a status in life; measures of neither happiness nor fulfillment. Over the past few months, I have been too caught up in vanity, and material need - my banes and biggest insecurities - and have often found myself lamenting over my physical imperfections and material shortcomings. Even I myself was surprised why such things plagued me when I was supposed to be more mature and thus able to understand the workings of my immediate life better.

I know better know: I was overwhelmed by my realization that the world is infinitely larger than I, a tiny speck on its face, am; I got daunted and faltered in the face of the success and status the well-off people of society possess now, which I myself still have to achieve; having realized my material shortcomings, I withdrew into my shell and looked for slivers of perfection - things I could be proud of - within myself, but in this I failed, too, for all the traits I should have been proud of, I measured against what I thought was a standard, and in doing so I accentuated what I did not, but sought to possess, overshadowing those that I did have in my arsenal, thus causing me to lose my hold on delight and in misery, I swathed myself in despair.

Among the seven sins, perhaps Envy abounds most within me. I'm sure of it now. What else would cause me to be so insecure?

Nothing.

Nothing else besides the need to know my purpose. The quest for meaning has dawned itself on me. I have been bared. I am drained of the things I were sure of. All bravery has been stripped from me. I have lost my daring. I have lost my nerve. All that is left of me is the shell that I really am - empty on the inside. This is why the days and nights seem to be a blur. I am a compass which has lost its sense of direction. Or perhaps I never had a true sense of direction and everything was a reality I made to conform to my unenlightened mortal reason. Maybe everything that has happened is an awakening. Maybe awakenings are in reality a process that takes time to complete, not events that happened as quick as it took to uncover the eyes. Maybe all awakenings daze and disorient you with the blur, the glare, the unformed shapes, and the general chaos of it all. Maybe awakenings require you to be still to allow things to settle down in time. Maybe awakenings require effort on our part. Maybe we need to blink a few times; exert a conscious effort to make sense of it all. Maybe by some higher design, awakenings just clear when they need to be and not when when we want them to be. Maybe we have to experience the confusion, the senselessness, the disorder, so when those things fade and get replaced by a crystal clear view, we learn to appreciate it all. Why? Because who knew that what we thought were deformed shapes were actually objects in possession of their own brand of harmony, and that they were never distorted in the first place: it was our momentary lapse in sight that disrupted it all.

It all boils down to Faith. When we find ourselves within the blur that comes before the awakening, we have to keep faith that the blur will cease and things will come into focus. We need to learn and constantly practice mastery over our nature to always ask the 'Whys'. We can ask why the blur has to precede the clarity. We can ask why things happen. We can ask why we exist. What for is our purpose? We can keep asking, but we may never know the answer. We just have to accept things as they are. We need to accept the blur. We need to accept events. We need to accept our existence. We need to accept that there is a purpose tied to it, too. This is keeping Faith. Faith is acceptance. Faith is daring. Faith is the strength we still find in our possession even when we find ourselves naked and realize that we are empty shells. Faith is trusting that we will find a way to make up for what we lack materially. Faith is believing despite the doubts that plague us. Faith is trusting that there is something good in us despite our imperfections.

Faith is living against odds.

Faith is believing in the love we've yet to find and in the person we've yet to share it with. Faith is the love that empowers to us touch and build ties with the lives of those we meet in life. Faith is believing in that love even if we die before we find it.

Faith is the love that transcends the physical and the ethereal; the visible and the invisible; life and death.

Faith is in posting greetings and conversations on the facebook walls of our deceased friends and believing that our friends still receive them, by some design that transcends and links the invisible world we humans built called the 'Internet' and whatever existence or nonexistence that awaits us all after death.

Faith is love.

Love is faith.

Each moment in life is an act of Faith.

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