Sunday, April 25, 2010

Dawn Ramble: The Suppressed

Over the past two weeks, I have suppressed this urge to grab my sketchbook and start drawing the list of things and ideas in my head. And as usual, since it's dawn and I'm busy with one of my dawn musings, the urge has only gotten stronger. I feel like I could just take that paper, start drawing, and bring my ideas to two dimensional physical existence. I believe this increase in desire to do something repressed is part of human nature, especially if the thing that was repressed is part of our own individual natures.

As for me, my desire to draw stems from my desire to express and to imitate the beauty I see in the world. I can stare at a really good drawing for hours, I could walk down the hall and just stop all of a sudden when something catches my attention. The thing is, I get frustrated at my ineptness most of the time. Some things just seem better when you've only just conceived them in your head. I get annoyed by a small mistake only I can see. I get annoyed if my drawing is out of proportion. I get annoyed when I color because I tend to see things in parts rather than visualize the whole picture. Over the years, I've always wanted to be better at drawing. I wanted to learn the technique badly, but I had no idea who to approach, what to study, and how to voice it out. I've always hated looking stupid in front of anybody. It makes me feel useless. So, all those time a little voice inside me kept urging me to be better, I was busy feigning deafness and paying less than my full attention to the other things around me, usually the more current ones. I became satisfied with the less-than-ideal quality of my work, although deep down, after I get over being enthralled by my new work, I'll begin to see the little flaws and fret over them.

I think I'm a perfectionist when it comes to some things, or most things for that matter. On second thought, make it 'on most things that interest me.' You see, the first things I see in some things are the minor flaws - ones which most people either don't pay attention to or just don't care about. This is one reason why I get captivated by seemingly flawless objects I encounter: a realistic painting, an attractive person, an ideal life. These things get in my head and I end up pondering over them. I end up brooding. And after the brooding comes the frustration. I get frustrated why my life couldn't be like theirs; why my traits aren't on par as theirs; why my skills seem negligible in the face of theirs.

I once read that jealousy looks through a microscope, and I think it's true. But can you call me jealous? Maybe, I am partly jealous. I think this jealousy comes from my desire to be perfect. Flawless. I'm not the perfectionist who's an achiever, though, I'm more of the one who's content to be in my own Utopia. Oops, does that make me self-centered, too? I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. I'm not so sure of anything about me. I don't know what it is I want anymore. I don't know who I am. Maybe, the answer to this entire puzzle is that my desire to draw and write are coping mechanisms to the confusion I feel within me - a confusion I myself was not aware of until recently. I don't think that these talents were coping mechanisms from the start. Maybe they were genuine talents that ended up getting applied to the wrong things. I don't know. But I need to know. I need to know the answers to many questions that have been bothering me.

Bah, it's 5 am now and I've gotta sleep. Good morning.


  1. No one can ask for better than your best, even you. I think it's the fear that our best won't be perfect, and... well, that thought stalls me from even trying. Sometimes it's easier to just remove all possibility of failure. But even that is failure. Mmm. Vicious cycles.

    At least you try. You have talent. I love the imperfections in your art, and seeing how you improve over time. It makes it all the more enjoyable to look at - to appreciate the journey.

    <3 from one perfectionist to another.

  2. I'm really very sorry that this reply is several months late! I wasn't paying attention to my blog for a while, and I wasn't really expecting comments since I never thought people read it!

    Anyway, thank you. Thanks a LOT. I really needed that sort of assurance, especially given what I'm going through at the moment.

    I do hope to get back to my art, I want to feel paper, pen, and brush again.

    Thanks a lot!