Friday, April 16, 2010

A Crossroad

I now find myself before a crossroad, and I know that I will have to decide which road to take sooner or later. The dilemma before me has me constantly thinking, being one who constantly thinks of the end of the roads I take, or, at least, I visualize the general picture. The thing is, I don't know what to choose since both options are two things I find close to me. How is one supposed to choose between art and science? Well, not really 'art' and 'science' in their broadest scope, but, art and science as majors in college. I think it is a bit late to be thinking of this thing now, but if I won't decide now while it's still a bit early, then when? I've spoken to a good friend of mine who has finished her studies already, and she told me that she realized that she really would have preferred another over the one she finished, which, coincidentally is roughly the same as my course right now. The thing is, while part of me feels 'right' being a student of the course, a part of me feels that something is missing - something which is really hard to pinpoint, but I know that it is missing. I believe that this part of me is what makes me end up drawing when I'm supposed to be sketching figures to help me solve problems. It's a hidden desire that subtly manifests itself when I'm not paying much attention. It's a calling that I think I have repressed over the past few months at least or a few years at most. While I'm not sure why exactly I chose the current course I'm taking, I do know for sure that part of the reason why I chose it is that I believed it would allow me to widen my horizons in terms of several things - people, oppurtunities, events, and pastimes, just to say the least, but sadly, due to an indecision a few years back that ended up with my parents' iron hand dictating where I am to end up studying, I failed to find those things, or at least, what I was seeking. Sure, these things are present, but sadly, they, to me, fail to amount to anything substanstial, and thus, over the last two years, this unsatisfaction with my life has silently nurtured my other side - my artistic side, which, I'm afraid to say, has not seen much attention and experience loving care from me over the years. I do draw, doodle, and write, but not as much as I used to back in high school, and now, when I peruse through my doodle notebooks, and sketch books, it's like rediscovering a part of me which I've forgotten, and I feel both guilty and resentful because I've allowed this side of me to be put aside, discarded like a book, and left to gather dust. Now, I've entertained the thought doing something I can actually visualize myself doing in the future, and have thus found myself before this crossroad. I don't know how things will end up, but I believe I have to do as Te Malau told me to: Be Hopeful! I guess now that I've unleashed what's inside the box that's been hidden for too long a time by myself, I have to trust in Hope, just as Pandora did with her box, and although the things that came out of my box aren't as negative as Pandora's proved to be, but rather, an awakening to the prospect of a different, and a possible better future, I still have to trust in myself, in Hope, and in God, and hope that everyone around me at least understand, if not wholly accept whatever decision I end up with. because as inevitable as the dance of the seasons and of Sun and Moon's chase, and whether I like it or not, I will have to answer the question:"Art or Science?"

No comments:

Post a Comment