Sunday, April 25, 2010

Dawn Ramble: The Suppressed

Over the past two weeks, I have suppressed this urge to grab my sketchbook and start drawing the list of things and ideas in my head. And as usual, since it's dawn and I'm busy with one of my dawn musings, the urge has only gotten stronger. I feel like I could just take that paper, start drawing, and bring my ideas to two dimensional physical existence. I believe this increase in desire to do something repressed is part of human nature, especially if the thing that was repressed is part of our own individual natures.

As for me, my desire to draw stems from my desire to express and to imitate the beauty I see in the world. I can stare at a really good drawing for hours, I could walk down the hall and just stop all of a sudden when something catches my attention. The thing is, I get frustrated at my ineptness most of the time. Some things just seem better when you've only just conceived them in your head. I get annoyed by a small mistake only I can see. I get annoyed if my drawing is out of proportion. I get annoyed when I color because I tend to see things in parts rather than visualize the whole picture. Over the years, I've always wanted to be better at drawing. I wanted to learn the technique badly, but I had no idea who to approach, what to study, and how to voice it out. I've always hated looking stupid in front of anybody. It makes me feel useless. So, all those time a little voice inside me kept urging me to be better, I was busy feigning deafness and paying less than my full attention to the other things around me, usually the more current ones. I became satisfied with the less-than-ideal quality of my work, although deep down, after I get over being enthralled by my new work, I'll begin to see the little flaws and fret over them.

I think I'm a perfectionist when it comes to some things, or most things for that matter. On second thought, make it 'on most things that interest me.' You see, the first things I see in some things are the minor flaws - ones which most people either don't pay attention to or just don't care about. This is one reason why I get captivated by seemingly flawless objects I encounter: a realistic painting, an attractive person, an ideal life. These things get in my head and I end up pondering over them. I end up brooding. And after the brooding comes the frustration. I get frustrated why my life couldn't be like theirs; why my traits aren't on par as theirs; why my skills seem negligible in the face of theirs.

I once read that jealousy looks through a microscope, and I think it's true. But can you call me jealous? Maybe, I am partly jealous. I think this jealousy comes from my desire to be perfect. Flawless. I'm not the perfectionist who's an achiever, though, I'm more of the one who's content to be in my own Utopia. Oops, does that make me self-centered, too? I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. I'm not so sure of anything about me. I don't know what it is I want anymore. I don't know who I am. Maybe, the answer to this entire puzzle is that my desire to draw and write are coping mechanisms to the confusion I feel within me - a confusion I myself was not aware of until recently. I don't think that these talents were coping mechanisms from the start. Maybe they were genuine talents that ended up getting applied to the wrong things. I don't know. But I need to know. I need to know the answers to many questions that have been bothering me.

Bah, it's 5 am now and I've gotta sleep. Good morning.

Friday, April 16, 2010

A Crossroad

I now find myself before a crossroad, and I know that I will have to decide which road to take sooner or later. The dilemma before me has me constantly thinking, being one who constantly thinks of the end of the roads I take, or, at least, I visualize the general picture. The thing is, I don't know what to choose since both options are two things I find close to me. How is one supposed to choose between art and science? Well, not really 'art' and 'science' in their broadest scope, but, art and science as majors in college. I think it is a bit late to be thinking of this thing now, but if I won't decide now while it's still a bit early, then when? I've spoken to a good friend of mine who has finished her studies already, and she told me that she realized that she really would have preferred another over the one she finished, which, coincidentally is roughly the same as my course right now. The thing is, while part of me feels 'right' being a student of the course, a part of me feels that something is missing - something which is really hard to pinpoint, but I know that it is missing. I believe that this part of me is what makes me end up drawing when I'm supposed to be sketching figures to help me solve problems. It's a hidden desire that subtly manifests itself when I'm not paying much attention. It's a calling that I think I have repressed over the past few months at least or a few years at most. While I'm not sure why exactly I chose the current course I'm taking, I do know for sure that part of the reason why I chose it is that I believed it would allow me to widen my horizons in terms of several things - people, oppurtunities, events, and pastimes, just to say the least, but sadly, due to an indecision a few years back that ended up with my parents' iron hand dictating where I am to end up studying, I failed to find those things, or at least, what I was seeking. Sure, these things are present, but sadly, they, to me, fail to amount to anything substanstial, and thus, over the last two years, this unsatisfaction with my life has silently nurtured my other side - my artistic side, which, I'm afraid to say, has not seen much attention and experience loving care from me over the years. I do draw, doodle, and write, but not as much as I used to back in high school, and now, when I peruse through my doodle notebooks, and sketch books, it's like rediscovering a part of me which I've forgotten, and I feel both guilty and resentful because I've allowed this side of me to be put aside, discarded like a book, and left to gather dust. Now, I've entertained the thought doing something I can actually visualize myself doing in the future, and have thus found myself before this crossroad. I don't know how things will end up, but I believe I have to do as Te Malau told me to: Be Hopeful! I guess now that I've unleashed what's inside the box that's been hidden for too long a time by myself, I have to trust in Hope, just as Pandora did with her box, and although the things that came out of my box aren't as negative as Pandora's proved to be, but rather, an awakening to the prospect of a different, and a possible better future, I still have to trust in myself, in Hope, and in God, and hope that everyone around me at least understand, if not wholly accept whatever decision I end up with. because as inevitable as the dance of the seasons and of Sun and Moon's chase, and whether I like it or not, I will have to answer the question:"Art or Science?"