de·pres·sion [di présh'n]
1. sadness: a state of unhappiness and hopelessness 2. psychiatric disorder: a psychiatric disorder showing symptoms such as persistent feelings of hopelessness, dejection, poor concentration, lack of energy, inability to sleep, and, sometimes, suicidal tendencies 3. economic slump: a period in which an economy is greatly affected by unemployment, low output, and poverty 4. reduced activity: a lowering of activity, quality, vitality, or force 5. hollow: an area on the surface of something that is lower than the surface surrounding it 6. meteorology low pressure area: an area of low barometric pressure that often brings rain
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1.) sadness: check
2.) persistent feelings of hopelessness: check
3.) dejection: check
4.) poor concentration: check
5.) lack of energy: check
6.) inability to sleep: check
7.) suicidal tendencies: thankfully, no
Well, a mark of 6 out of 7 on the depression checklist is bound to mean something: I am depressed. The question now is: "why?" Truth be told, I don't really know. Fine, it's not that I don't really know anything per se, but I do have several ideas why. A part of me would like to believe that it's an outcome of my repressed adolescent identity crisis. Repressed because I believe I've been repressing it for several years already, and ironically, I'm now 18 - a young adult, come another year and I'll be out of my teenage years, technically. I think that somehow, somewhere along the way, the balloon of my repressed thoughts, and feelings burst without my knowledge and I only just realized it now. I guess I was too oblivious to going-ons within me because I was too busy with those happening around me. I recall someone in a movie mentioning that the first step towards relieving one's self of depression is admitting it, so, there we go, I just admitted that I am. Step one's done. The thing is, what comes next?
I'd like to think of what's currently happening as a dream - a nightmare, at that. And just like real dreams, you don't really notice that you're dream's a nightmare at once. Well, now that I've realized, and accepted that I am in a living nightmare, or at least, a really, really bad dream, what now? Is this the part where I realize that it's all a dream, and being the dreamer, I can will things to manifest? Is this were I muster all my courage and marshall all rational thought and dream of something voluntarily - super powers to banish the fiends around me, perhaps? Instinct tells me that this is indeed that part - the one where I reconcile myself with the fact that my dream has ended up badly, but that it's not impossible to turn the tide of things. I should be the one in control, after all, this entire dream - both the good and the bad parts included, is mine. So, I guess I've just entered that part of the dream - the struggle to win over my nightmare, the darkness within my subconscious.
I should really congratulate myself for entering this phase. I mean, the fact that I am now struggling to take my life back into functionality has to mean something good, right? So, CONGRATULATIONS, KALOY! I do admit that despite this good news, it is a bit late in occuring. I have been procastinating this plan ever since it dawned to me. Well, I believe I'll have to pay for the delay, again, and while that may mean more bad news for me, I just have to work it out since, in the end, it's all for the better, right?
While I suspect that the cheerful tone of this post can be due to my recent remedy to depression (eating) and could also be a mood swing, I have planned something first-hand. What's a better solution to those gloomy thoughts than channeling them into writing? Surely all those angst could help me create something new, and at least, in this way, I can drain myself of those emotions without taking them on and thus changing my mood for the day. So, I'd like to introduce everyone to my new book, "Quinto," and "Spock."
Okay, that was annoying. Sylar, my laptop, is sick of Firefox-crashes-down--when-I-try-to-upload-pictures-due-to-a-rundll32-error and so I'm unable to post my picture with Quinto and Spock. I'll make sure to find a way to fix this error soon as this would render me unable to upload my drawings to deviantart and my artisanal entries to Lusternia, too. Anyway, I'll be sure to take Quinto, now nicknamed "Q" and Spock wherever I go, especially at school, so I'll be able to keep my brain juices flowing and not turning sour. I'll be making drafts of my blog posts in Q, too, so I'll be able to make better posts, and besides, writing has always been meditative for me, so I guess that's another plus to my campaign to get rid of depression.
As regards to my A to Z lists, I've thought of several additions already and I'll be sure to gather my ideas and write them down into coherent paragraphs in Q. I just remembered that I also like to draw while writing, but I'll try not to turn Q into my drawing book since I have one already, albeit a rather empty one. I'll be sure to fill it in, too. I guess I should also rave for the prospect of finally segregating my drawings from doodles and writings, since that should also help me organize my thoughts better and decrease the chance of me experiencing mental strain.
I end this post on a lighter note - one filled with promise and I really, really,really hope that things will turn out good. I've just resumed going to mass last sunday and I intend to attend the mass at the university chapel if I am able. I guess it's about time I actually express my gratitude for the favours and blessings I've been recieving for the last 18 years of my life. I mean, there's a lot of things to worry about, being a student far away from home, but there's even a lot more to be thankful for and I should really not waste my time and my life worrying about too many things. I've long since realized and even experienced first-hand that things will eventually fall into place. After all, I've had my share of those things, too. So, here I am, hoping for the best once more.